Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Total lack of focus

I have come to the conclusion that I have reached a Total and complete lack of focus. I've never experienced this in my life.

I think I've got the blues again not sure if I've ever experienced being depressed for longer than a day or two. It is going on 2 months now that I just don't get out of bed until 7 or 8 am. I have been up at 5 am and out the door for a good long walk with the dog for 4 year now. Never missed a morning walk not one (unless I was out of town).

I forced myself to get out of bed today at 5 AM!!! It's not even time to start work (I start at 9:30) and I'm ready for a nap!

There are more than a couple of things that are unresolved in my mind that could be causing this!

First and foremost I'll be turning 40 in August. I'm not really sad that I am, I don't think of myself as old at 40, I did have an issue last summer with dealing with an empty nest before I was 40, but if you read the 'house is full' post - you know Empty Nest is no longer the problem - so I'm not sure what my issue is with turning 40. I'll need to take some time to figure it out.

Then there is my Mom it has been 7 months since she woke up one day and had no movement from the waist down. We now know it's MS. She is getting better. Between my little sister and I we care for her 24/7. We have gotten into a good routine. But she is only 62 years old. I'm scared that we can't keep up being able to care for her in her home. ---FYI --- Mom has stated time and time again "put your life on the internet, not mine!" well she has become my life or at least occupies many hours a day of my life. So if you don't tell her - she won't know. First she'll need to buy a computer, learn to use it, and then she'll need to learn English. She's been in the USA for 35 years and has started English classes at least 6 times in those many years but she finds the English language very hard to learn - so it hasn't been for lack of trying!

Also for the first time in my life, I'm not comfortable with my weight. I've never let my weight effect my self esteem. I'm 5' 6" and my heaviest has been 215 lbs. I'm currently around 200 lbs. I wasn't small in High School but I wouldn't have considered myself big, some would but it didn't bother me. I think this is going back to the turning 40 thing, I don't think I want to weigh 200 lbs at 40 years old.

There are many many more things on my mind - So if this blog is all over the place - It's because my life right now is all over the place. Now I'm off to work!!!

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